I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
