Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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