and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
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