If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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