My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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