Whatcha textin bout Willis?
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
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