I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
