I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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