This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Sorry my hands just texted you
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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