He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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