NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Randomize
