Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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