R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
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