but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
It's blow job season.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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