Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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