Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
