It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
