I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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