you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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