1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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