I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Randomize
