he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
