IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Randomize
