I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
