you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
That reminds me...we need to get swords
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
