She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
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