I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
We were destined to go to rehab together
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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