I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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