We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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