I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
