Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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