Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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