i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
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I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
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Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
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