Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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