Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
