You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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