M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize