Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
