I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
