I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
2020 sucks, I want a refund
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
