So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
