pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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