you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Randomize
