Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
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