Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
