My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
