Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Randomize
