Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
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