Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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