I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
