why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
