Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
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