Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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