Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
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