I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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