i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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