So gin and wine won't be happening again
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
