I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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