thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
