phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
KEG. KEG. THE OPERA HAS A KEG. KEG STAND IN A TUX. AFTER PARTY RAVE AND KEG STANDS.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
